Scout's Honor
Reposted with Scout's Letter
I originally posted this blog entry on July 29th, 2025, about two weeks into reconnecting with my friend Scout after five years of not seeing each other. I posted it on my main blog and here where I sometimes backup my writing.
About two months later, Scout and I got into a big fight, and she posted a series of comments on my main blog. I thought she expressed herself eloquently and believed that story was best told with her perspective included. So, I deleted the version over here that was without her comments.
Now six months later, after we talked it out, worked it out, and banged it out, Scout and I enjoy a nice friendship. Except every now and then, I get hit with a truckload of attitude and have to ask her:
“Scout, you enjoy more ex-girlfriend privileges than all of the others combined, what is still the problem??”
And she answers me, “You deleted my story, but left the other bitch’s story up… THAT’S COOL!!”
The story was never removed from WordPress, but now it’s back on Substack, too.
Thank you, Scout! I’ll see you when we watch our shows tonight.
I didn’t deserve a redemption arc with Scout, but I got one. Bear with me while I set the stage.
Staying home for the first half of the pandemic and then teaching through the second half amounted to a profound period of growth for me. On the solitude side, I finally slayed a lot of internal demons that for too long lived under the surface of my psyche. Imagine being bullied relentlessly through all 13 years of school (including kindergarten). On the societal side, I observed that people in power never waste a tragedy when there’s a way to profit from it. I’ve extensively documented how Republicans in Arizona steal money meant for students and teachers through their business-backed charter and voucher programs. I’m left longing for the massive middle-class strike that will finally free us from late-stage capitalism and climate change.
Again, that’s not what this is about! In the middle of all that 2020 brouhaha, I met a kindhearted woman named Scout and didn’t treat her very well. You can read about the encounter from page 75 of my (free) book. Despite us seemingly sharing a connection, my personal COVID-19 protocols prevented me from exploring our potential relationship in a meaningful way. I didn’t fear the virus would be fatal for me, but I didn’t want to expose my mom or grandma. Scout did her best to put us together, and I constantly rebuffed her. Then when I wrote about her for my book, I didn’t include most of what makes her special. I focused on her frustration when she realized my walls were impenetrable. I did give her the same name as the headstrong protagonist from To Kill a Mockingbird.
Obviously, I liked her. When I knew Scout before, she was sweet, caring, charismatic, intelligent, and, yes, beautiful. She worked with disabled children and maintained a warm rapport with her friends, her siblings, and her single father. She had long golden hair and doe-sized brown eyes. Despite her best efforts to get to know me during the lockdown months, I wasn’t receptive to her and actually turned uncharacteristically mean. When we parted ways, I intended to atone by never bothering her again. I deleted her contact information. In the back of my mind, I felt cheated out of a compatible partner due to the circumstances of COVID. The female grunt in Pokémon GO kinda looks like her, so at times I was prompted to search her name online. Once I knew she was in a relationship of many years, I felt genuinely happy for her.
Five years later...
“Hey!” – A text message from an unknown number, but a unique area code I recognized.
Holy shit. Could it be? Why her? Why now? Do I have to tell her I wake up every day and sob uncontrollably for an hour because Alice and Republican Luke stole my dreams and prevented the future I wanted to give my son and nephew? I was a counselor at Oregon’s second richest middle school and now I’m a parking lot security guard in Arizona. I don’t think I want to respond…
“I was in an accident and a coma.”
I suddenly found myself taking a day trip to visit Scout. She’s no longer in a relationship, and two years out from a medical emergency she may be recovering from for years. She lives with her dad and receives disability income. I saw harrowing photos of her without the back of her skull. When we text, she sounds like I remember. When we exchange voice notes, she sounds completely different. French, actually. When I approach her front door, she greets me in a dress while sporting a cute headband since her hair is very short now. Very Céline Dion! She gives me a big hug and invites me inside.
Except, we only take an additional step toward the door before she turns around and says, “Jason, I’m going to hug you again. I’m so happy to see you!”
My heart shatters. Why is she happy to see me? Does she not remember what happened and how awful I was?
She introduces me to her dad and their dog, and leads me to her room. However, I need a pee break because I drove a long time with an enlarged prostate that prevents my bladder from ever fully emptying. She tells me to go pee then come find her in her room. The bathroom has medical modifications. I join her in her room. With the temporary loss of her independence, her space somewhat resembles a teenager’s room. She’s meticulously decorated it with her interests and spends many hours crafting. She’s made me several nice gifts. Her days are spent creating art, writing poetry, walking around the neighborhood, observing local wildlife, naming the recognizable birds and lizards, meeting people and turning them into new friends.
Our plan is to eat at a restaurant she thoughtfully selected in advance to match my famously basic palate, and of course I have to drive. She can’t drive, but would like to again one day. Before we go, she says I need to help her carry some of her painted rocks and a gift for the waitress. The gift is a freshly cut rose in a mini-vase. She has a row of five or six such gifts lined up for various people. Shamefully, I help her pick up one of the vases while worrying that taking this little homemade thing into a restaurant and presenting it to the server is going to be embarrassing as hell…
Wrong. That little heartfelt gesture completely made the waitress’s whole day. You can’t fake that kind of excitement and endearment on a person’s face. When Scout speaks, you can tell something enormous happened to her. That she almost died. She walks with a cane. It’s purple. She calls it Purple Cane. She’s hilarious and has an even more touching personality than she did before. She knocks over a beer. She still struggles with a lot most of us take for granted. Scout didn’t deserve what happened to her. She pushes me to order more appetizers, food, and beer. I tell her I’m full and have to tap out. I’m enjoying her company, laughing at her jokes, and completely enthralled with her survival story. Which I’m leaving vague here because it isn’t my story to tell. Outside, after we hide her painted rocks, she asks if I’m still attracted to her and want to kiss.
We make out a little, and she quips, “Whew! It all still works down there.”
On the drive home, she says she wants to find a volunteer opportunity and resume working with children. Why is this woman so wonderful? Where does her strength come from?
Why does she see a glimmer of goodness in me?
September 6, 2025 at 11:18 pm
“Scout here. I did see a glimmer of hope… in fact I fell in love all over again, bit harder, deeper & finally authentic.
Wrong.. after 2 months of bliss, mostly from a distance (I cant drive yet) paid for gas, staycations, food…. everything. Did my best to activaely hear, I was abandoned @ a shitty motel 6 in Tucson. No communication, no using big boy words, just went to our room with the only key to get his iced tea… nevet came back. I panicked. Looking everywhere. Of course cant anser his phone
Hunderstand. respect & accomodate Jasons multiple triggers & traumas. The most challenging (to me) broke us. Incapable of making or receiving phone calls because “Alice” called too much. Ummmm so your rich, hot, amazing in bed dr. “girlfriend ” that YOU chose to move back to Tucson for, abandon your dreams for with no money no job is the reason you cant call me or answer calls? Cool. And I can’t bring that up as a possible deal breaker for me since Im moving in with you & your son & paying half the rent?nned to move in together. I filled out application, ready to submit”
September 6, 2025 at 11:29 pm
“Scattered & probably incomprehensible. I’m heartbroken, shattered,was brought back to life, fell in love, trusted, looked forward to a blissful future & lots more lovemaking, finally exploring each others bodies in all the ways possible, visiting Pound town, awakened me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically. Promised & planned out our future life then left without any communication. Now I remember how awful you were/are. BTW my strength comes from loving myself, fighting spirit, genuine love for living beings & the planet… Lesson for Jason!!!!
“If you can’t love yourself how the hell you gonna love someone else?” Can I get an Amen?!” – RuPaul.
Lastly, since I’ve packed, planned to move but can’t afford the complex we were moving to I got a studio in same complex (and communicated like a functioning adult gave Jason full disclosure.
Long rant & I’m not an eloquent writer like Jason, but there’s my perspective. Xoxo”
September 7, 2025 at 12:45 am
“Last detail (for now)… I survived a ruptured brain annurysm in Niv 2023. In coma for 3 weeks, ICU for 7, rehab etc etc. Thanks to Dr. Alexander Coon & his team, my life was spared. Thanks to my family, chosen family. my own determination, I learned to walk, & talk again. Still me! Witty, smart, funny, authentic (and yes, sex crazed… I got in trouble @ St Joe’s for grabbing asses.After all that, my fiance & I broke up. Couldn’t handle challenge & hes broken himself. All to say I explained to Jason my legitimate paralyzing fear/ parano of being abandoned. In fact, two hours befoe I took him to dinner @ moeel…. tfour hours before he abandoned me, we “joked ” about it when he grabbed his bag from his car & he left me his wallet as collateral. Hilarious. Weve spent two months talking about Alice, Jasons triggers, Jasons quirks, mental challenges… twhen you’recommitted& love someoneyou listen, hear, accomodate& respect.
Bot reciproca lapparently. Like HELLLOOO i literallyhave brain damage(which I explainedin detailmonth 1)…. and I’m not free to express MY feelings/ concerns/ triggers etc. Cool. Let’s talk more about how Alice ruined your life when YOU, an adult male CHOSE your circumstances just to play victim to them… uhhhh cause & effect? Ya know, science? Lol Anyway, mywo yr anniversary of medical trauma isNov. 21. I’m elated I’ve come this far & will have attained my goal of living alone, independent (minus driving but I’d rather not anyhow… steel death trap I say).
I do thank you, Jason so much for showing me my new area, Tahono Chul where Ill be every day to visit Scooter, eventually volunteer in art gallery! All in walking distance! (:
k. Not my blog…. Love you, Jason (I THINK I have gotten to know the genuine you?? Sorry our future will not be but maybe in a parallel universe”
